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13 กันยายน 2550
 
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Doubts and disappearing friends...

My Thai teacher cancelled my lesson earlier. She's a couple of months pregnant and is having really bad morning sickness. It wouldn't normally be a problem. I'd normally be happy to have a free evening and a couple of extra days to do my homework.

But tonight, it really wasn't what I was wanting to hear. I came home at 5pm after an awkward day at school. 2 classes were rowdy and uninterested, 2 were as sweet as ever, and the 1 Matayom class I have to cover were more interested in their Thai homework and mobile phone ring tones than playing 'countdown.'

I felt uneasy. At times I worry that I'm not that great at teaching. I have good days and bad days. On a good day I love it. The students all seem interested and motivated by their work. On a bad day it's a struggle to remain patient and I start to seriously question, not just whether I can teach but whether I did the right thing by staying out here an extra year. At times I think it would have been better to have gone home last October like I'd originally planned. I'd have a normal life by now. I'd have a decent job. I'd have an idea of what on earth I want to do with the rest of my life. Here I don't feel I have any of that.

I went upstairs and got my laptop. I could easily have done my work in my room. I didn't need to use the internet at all.

I don't know why but, at the moment I can't stand being in my room. It's chaotic, disorganised and a bit of a mess; a screwey kind of metaphor for the rest of my life. The thought of tidying it freaks me out to the point of tears. I needed to escape. I needed to get out of my building, maybe even out of Pinklao.

I called a friend. No answer.
Another. No answer.
Another:-
'Hey, I really need to talk. Are you free?'
'I'm busy...'
'What about later?'
'I'm on a boat. I can't hear you.'
'What about tomorrow.'
'I'm busy. I have to rush home from work.'
'How about Saturday or Sunday.
'I can't hear you.'
'How about this weekend.'
'I'm busy'
'Are you busy all the time?'
'Yes...'

I didn't really know what to say. I've been wanting to call this guy for days. I'm trying to work out what to do in 2 months time. I've kind of got a plan. Well, I had a plan... until the 3 people that I've talked to about it so far, ridiculed it (and me) for being naive. Now, I'm not sure what I have anymore. A string of stupid, impractical, ideas ???

I was kind of wanting to hear his opinion too. He's quite straight and down to earth. I reckon he'd tell me what he really thought. But, I guess it's not going to happen...


Create Date : 13 กันยายน 2550
Last Update : 13 กันยายน 2550 21:48:17 น. 0 comments
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kerrie
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กรุงเทพ Thailand

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