Another rant about living here...
Yesterday I had a really bad day. I was feeling a bit lonely and down in the dumps and even cried at one point. I was sat in the lobby, reading my e-mail. My eyes were red, my nose was running. It was obvious that something was wrong.
S, a thai friend walks by. The conversation went something like this..
S:- Hi How are you ?
Me:- I feel sh*te. I had a really bad day today.
S:- Very good. Can you help me with my English please ?
I still can't believe the guy said this!!!
If he had been on the phone, or sat on the other side of the room shouting over to me, It would probably have been alright. But, he was was looking right at me, and could see my blotchy red eyes. Yet he still said it.
I helped him with his English for an hour or so, just like he asked. At the end he told me that 'you don't look happy.' But, he never made the effort to ask why I felt lousy. He only wanted help - an hour or so of free help at that. He didn't want to have to listen to lengthy explanations about why the foreigner was feeling so crap. As soon as I'd gone through and explained all the corrections in his book, he said 'good thanks. I need to go eat with my friends. Bye.'
I felt really down, more so because of S's attitude towards me, and the fact that he was off to meet his friends, whilst me and my bad mood were all alone. I called, T a friend from my old work and asked if he was free. I needed to talk to someone. Someone who would understand my mood and listen.
About 10.30 just as I was putting my laptop away, S came back.
S:- Where are you going ?
Me:- To see my friend.
S:- Where ?
Me:- Phra Ahtit Road?
S:- Girl or Man ?
Me:- He's a guy
S:- Is he married?
S:- Very Bad. You shouldn't go there. It's very late. You should stay here. You shouldn't talk to your friend again, without being with a group. Very Bad.
So, the same guy who doesn't show the slightest bit of interest in understanding why I feel so low, is now doing his best to stop me talking to one of the few people I know who can listen, understand and offer advice. OK, I know its not good for girls here to hang out with guys on their own (unless they are bf gf etc..) but this is coming from a guy who had, ealier that evening spent an hour alone with me, whilst I helped him with his English.
What is it with Thai guys ? Are they all really that selfish ?
I MSNned a friend earlier today and was complaining about living here. I don't know why but nowadays I find it really hard to live here. Somtimes, normally when I travel upcountry, but occasionally if I have a good night out in Bangkok, I love it. At time's Thailand's a great country and Bangkok's a great city to be in. It's not difficult to go to Khao San and have a wild time.
But, sometimes I feel very lost and lonely. Being in a place so big, with friends like the guy above, makes the downers even worse.
Lots of new people have just moved into my building. They've come here to learn about Thailand. They study Thai culture, economy, society and the Thai Language at Thammarsaat university. They're only here for a short time. They arrived last week and for most of them, its their first time here. They seem so happy to be here and are so enthusiastic about everything. Soi dogs - 'so cute.' Foul smells from the kitchen near their apartment 'well it's different' Tuk Tuks 'they're just great aren't they.' Thai language 'It sounds so cute. I really want to try to learn'
A couple of them seem really nice. I'd like to make friends with them. But what for ? In 5 months time, they'll all be gone and I'll be on my own again. Most foreigner's that I've met here and liked have left already. Of the foreign girls I knew when I first came here almost 3 years ago, only one is still in Bangkok. The rest realise quite quickly that its not the place for a single girl to be, and move on.
One of the teachers at my school leaves a week on Friday. I enjoy talking to - and moaning at him when I have a bad day. I'm really going to miss him. The exchange students who were here last year, and even the year before that have all left. Kam, an Algerian guy who had an office job in Sukhumvit resigned 2 weeks ago is also off in a few weeks. I'm tired of seeing all the friends that I make here leave. After a while, it gets depressing.
I have Thai friends too, mainly old neighbours, people I've met whilst travelling or friends from my old work. They're great. I love them all to bits but, some days, I have real trouble understanding them. I'm tired of not being able to understand them as much as I want to, and of making them act and speak like idiots (they have to speak thai like they are talking to a 5 year old kid) whenever the speak to me. I know that most of them will never ever be able to really understand me. They may understand what I say but my moods and feelings ? They're difficult for most other farangs to understand.
My contract with my school finishes at the end of October. My gut feeling is that I'm not interested in renewing it. I can't see any real future here. And, the longer I'm here the grimmer things seem.
My contract finishes on October the 31st. After that who knows ? I've got until then to try and decide and work out what to do with my life. What do I really, really want to do ? Where do I really want to be ?
Maybe I should stay in Thailand and go upcountry somwhere ? People upcountry tend to be friendlier than people in Bangkok. Maybe it would be easier to make new friends, and settle down into some sort of normal life ?
Maybe I should travel around Asia then go home - what I was supposed to have done 2 1/2 years ago when I first came here ? Maybe I should move to another country and carry on teaching (what my ex bf suggested at one point last year) ? There's no reason why I couldn't do this, I'm a qualified TEFL teacher.
Maybe I should finally accept the fact that I haven't been able to make things work out here, instead of fighting against it all the time and go home ? Suppose I do go home, what will I do workwise?
I can't see myself getting a job in a school (you need to be a qualified teacher with a BEd or a PGCE to do the sort of job I am doing here back home) and I definitely can't see myself working with computers again. Now I find computer stuff boring. It doesn't interest me at all...
Where will I stay ? At home with my parents ? or try and move back to London again and stay with friends there ? I really don't know. Most of my friends there now have kids. I can't see them being the drinking, partying, pool playing people they were 3 years ago. Their lives have all moved on.
A friend back home reckons I should go to Australia. He lived there for a few years 10 or so years ago and loved it. He reckon's I'd have fun, could easily find a job and would definitely have a better chance of finding a guy than here in Thailand.
Here, if you're a single white girl and not stunningly good looking chances of finding, and dating a nice guy aren't that great. Finding one is hard enough. Dating, given the fact that Thai guys are quite bashful about things like going out with girls (especially foreign ones) makes it even more difficult. Add fat, opinionated, not scared to tell people what you honestly think, to your list of personal characteristics and your chances are virtually zilch. Hey I think I'm gonna cut this short, before it turns into yet another rant on how crappy Thai guys are...
Sooooo...... I now have 69 days left to try and sort my life out...
I guess it should be an interesting 2 months.
|Create Date : 22 สิงหาคม 2550
|Last Update : 24 สิงหาคม 2550 11:48:16 น.
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