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update on life

it is strange that although the blog is meant as a diary of sorts, i have yet to write anything remotely personal. but what would a person with a life as dull as a potato write about, but yes, my friends, i shall try.

the past months or so i've been living in a meandering dream: a state of half-reality and half-fantasy where the possibilities blend with the routine. what do i mean by that? well, my life is mundane as usual, typical eat-sleep affair, yet, i live them in the face of the possibilities available to me and i let these possibilities flow through me like blood and give me strength. the possibilites, oh yes, everyone have them. it is like walking up to an intersection, while at the same time, you walk with the anticipation of all the possible scenarios--wonderful ones, you might think to yourself--that present themselves at each turn. you think of the right turn, an ice-cream palour; then you thnk of the left turn, perhaps that little coffee shop with the cute waitress; or to go straight on and meet up with your friend and go drink til you puke. but then, suddenly, unexpectedly, and with most cruel urgency, that first you have to cross the intersection. you have to make a choice. yet, you are aware of the possibilities the turns present to you, but you have to make a choice. and with the one choice you have to sacrifice all the other choices. the possibilities, alas, is reduced to the reality, and what else, the reality is what we all dread; the sterile, the bland, the immovable certainty. once we are at the reality, no matter what, we cannot change it. but once in a while, like my past three months, i am fortunate enough to be standing at that intersection of choices, and live a life of induced reverie.

but then, you may ask, what were these actual possibilities or dreams i speak of? of course, if it were as boring as the ice cream palour and a coffee shop, i'd have no problems. but these possibilities, these dreams, they are so vivid, so strong, and present such radical directions that if i were to take them, my life would, literally, not be the same again. well the first is with my job. not to disclose too many details, i am about to graduate. and the choices open to me .. they are so blinding in the brillance .. but at the same time they strike me with deep and crushing depression. i think of them. my alternate lives. would i be happy? i don't know. am i happy? i don't know. but yes, these alternate lives, they are like a one time opportunity but at the same time, as it is indeed a one time opportunity, i only have one shot at it. one shot, and all goes to zero. like the love of your life; like someone you locked eyes with, for a second, but you know that if you made a move, you'd forever be with her, yet, you didn't, you couldn't move, you were paralysed by the gravity of the possibility--and then she left.

anyhow, enough for the poetics, so what did i do, and what do i do now. i had an exams. that was crap, but considering the amount of study i did, it was perhaps deserved. YET, i've convinced myself once and for all that i suck at maths but i'm a great bullshitter. all my essays, which were done hours before the deadline got good grades. my maths subject which i have studied before hand and which, during the exams, i am supremely confident, got worse grades than the essays. so, i suck and i'm sad. i am toying with the idea of going into law. it is perfect for me, now i realise. u need to bullshit, u need to have the power of persuasion, and it is like philosophy--at least in its foundation and in the use of logic.

what else, erm, i've been quite addicted to pangya. it's fun. you pass time. like 'winning', while you play you put yourself in a state of mediative trance. you can also study--yes, study for exams!--while playing. it's great. (and there are lots of girls on it).

i also went to a festival in london. it was not a big named one. it was one of the first to be seriously held in london though, at hyde-park. the festival was called O2 festival. BUT there were some good bands. i saw: the rakes, cut copy, ladytron, babyshambles, and kasabian. not a shabby line-up is it! imo, i'd take that over the live8 any day.

and now i'm back. i just bum around the house all day. and at night i go out sometimes. trying to swim. my pc is fucked up so i cant make music, that's fucking annoying!! and when i came back i had to throw away half my luggae and in that were the essential cd's for music making. grrr! i've been reading. but no very much. finished angels and demons. sarte. now reading dostoyevsky's short stories. finished 'white nights'. great story. but notes from underground is so heavy, don't think i'll finish it (amusingly i think reading this blog entry will be somewhat akin to reading 'notes from the underground'). want to teach english now to high-school kids (oh yeah). so if any of u have leads to that, tell me. my preference will be heavily skewed for convent kids, triam udom, satit kids, satriwit, blah blah. you get the idea.

and i'm also writing my dissertation. which will probably FLUNK.

so that is my life so far.

Create Date : 03 สิงหาคม 2548
Last Update : 3 สิงหาคม 2548 11:58:02 น. 0 comments
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