I feel like writing something down into pages for my most precious daughter and I guess it might be excited if one day she comes across this somehow (or should I tell her). I think writing them online can perhaps more permanent than on the paper.
You know I have never thought of having a daughter, not even a family. I grew up in a family where my mom was an older mother who got pregnant at the age of forty. She had already retired back then so she put a lot of pressure on me and got into my life in every perspectives. I guess one mistake my mom did to me was to compare me to everyone she could think of. For not being able to recite the English words, she compared me to my older brother. For playing and didn't want to do my homework, she would compared me to my cousin who was so good in school (the funny thing is my mom and cousins mother compared our height) I was not a bad student, in fact I was pretty good at studying. I think that why my mother put even more pressure.
With a lot of pressure and no personal life, I ended up as a young female who was so scared of having a family and taking responsibilities of my own offsprings. I didnt want to tie myself with someone or something and lost those that I had. A good body that I worked hard for, beautiful skin and face and most important of all my freedom to do everything after my mother passed.
All that change when I met your dad. I didnt know what love is before but I felt something after I met him for a while. It got even clearer when I was pregnant. I was in a shock to know that I was about to have you. Yeah, became a mother at older age, it wasnt come easy. I didnt grow the love on you instantly but I know I started to talk to you when I felt you were moving in my belly. The thought of getting to see your face, holding you and seeing your smiles came in my mind. They were so wonderful and made me want to be a better person, eat good and healthy food and taking care of myself for you.
Deep down inside, Im still fear. Fear of not being able to take care of you, being a good mother, to breastfeed you and so on. But you, baby, the first day I saw you. I am in love. The first week of your life was a bit frustrated for us. You threw up couple times and the hospital put you in the incubator. They x-ray you, gave you an IV and put that tiny tube in your mouth. I walked down the hall to see you many times a day regardless of how painful it was for me to walk (no surprise, I have a c-section). A lot of things, I heard from the doctors gave me a heartache but those made me and daddy got closer and stronger. You were slowly adjusted baby. It took you longer to take your milk but you finally did. I didnt get to breastfeed you at all during the first five days of your life but I didnt give up on pumping. Unfortunate enough that our breast pump broke on the first day, we needed to buy a hand pump but I pumped every three hours and dropped those milk to you everyday. The first day I got to hold I was thrill. You were so quite and slept on my chest all the way home. I still remember how tiny you were.
Im writing this diary to tell you that you are precious and you changed our lives. Every time you are discourage or tired I want you to know that you fought before since the first day of your life. You cried loud and almost inconsolable sometimes but you grew up beautifully. My dear baby mommy loves you more and more everyday.
Sleep tight baby,
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