No Happy Ending...
Me - I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't-I can't look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just - you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me - Holden McNeil (Chasing Amy)
And then I wake up...
"You are my best friend & forever will be" is an exact sentence she told me. She told me as I bare my heart to her, like Holden McNeil bares his heart to Alyssa. That seemingly innocent sentence, one never thought that it would be such a soul-crushing until an exact moment.
"Trust me, you're gonna find a better girl", she said another sentence; the same pattern that many generation had used it before. But as I am a very person who stood at the other end of this conversation, it's such a devastating experience, it's beyond any languages can even describe.
'Nothing strikes me so forcibly with a sense of the ridiculous as love - A Man in love I do think cuts the sorryest figure in the world - Even when I know a poor fool to be really in pain about it, I could burst out laughing in his face - His pathetic visage becomes irresistible.' - John Keats
Even a poet in 18th century knows better than 21st century guy. "Why do fools fall in love?" You might ask. Then I would say “because some fools never learn, especially a persistent fool who too stubborn to notice a sign when he needs to quit." I'm fully aware that, there ain’t nothing good will come out of this.
Of course, it's happening all over again…
Of course, it's gonna be heartbreaking, a love that shattered. Of course, I can't pretend to be what I used to be. Of course, this feeling is gonna haunt me for many years to come. And of course, this is vicious cycle.
"My mind already made the sense of it, but my heart is gonna take a while", as it keeps repeating in my conscious. Apparently, I still have a long journey ahead, and poor me, it's probably a journey that never had a finishing line in the first place…
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.