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To Lucas people say I am stupid.. I stand against them telling them they don't know me. People say I am stupid.. I stand telling them.. they don't know him. I am just a woman. an ordinary woman that one day came across the beautiful man in the beautiful moment. an ordinary woman like any others who give up to build the wall against the strong unseen connection. who one day surrendered and admitted I was falling in love. unknown where it started... but realized love when it's gone. Maybe.. I love when he kissed.. Maybe.. I love when his body shaking when he hugged me. Maybe.. I love when he looked through my eyes without any word he did not say.. Maybe.. I love when he tried not to feel for me but he failed. I love when he made me ginger tea. I love when he told me how to cut the garlic. I love when he was angry that I complained about changing my nose. I love when he took off his jacket cover me when it's cold. I love when he taught me how to dance. I love when he swung me around. I love he kissed my forehead. I love when he hugged me from behind. I love warmth of his arms. I love him when he shared his pain, seeing him cried fallen me down. I love him more when he laughed. I love his skin. I love his beard. I love his smile. I love his heart. I understand his pain. I want to be next to him when it's fall, I cant leave when he's going through the downs. I love happiness being around him. no it's not enough to love someone. then I don't know why I love.. Now I hate... I hate that cant forget. He loves me at all, I never know. I know I have to go.. to make him happy. I want to apologize to the man I love for every pain happened. I hope one day he would understand and release the anger he has toward me. It's my faults to let dream led me here. I thought..... I thought.....he realized he loved me. I thought he really realized he couldn't be happy with her after found himself loving me. I thought.....he already tried to forget me but he couldn't. I thought.....he decided to loose her after he couldn't take it of loosing me. I thought.... he needed times. I thought.... he was not sure me about because he knew me less and I am far away. so I thought I would do anything to not let him down... I thought I could not turn my back on him when he loosing everything to have me. It's all my faults. One day I hope he would understand me.. that everything happened, I did not mean to do any harm. I have no interest in anyone's relationship. I just did because I truly believed he really wanted to come back. Things's gone wrong. Today it seemed everything is my fault. There are questions every night before I try to closed my eyes. Questions in my life I might not have chance to hear the answer. He told me to let go. He told me he wanted to be happy.. I would do anything to let him and I am trying. I called him one night.. heard him shouting. I asked him why he said I was respectless. Seeking for the reason why he did not want to see me. I never had interest to go back to Paris since we separated. Until the day I was sure he decided about us. It's the first time of Paris I long for but I did not have him. I could not find any words to explain to him to understand me.. I accepted the fact to go, but I could not see the reason why he was mad that I still wanted to see him. We were in Amsterdam.. I did not feel anything of myself. I was too weak to talk about feeling. I felt lifeless once I heard hime say he wanted to leave. I was scared to ask how he felt toward me, just to keep that in me once he's gone. I was scared of the answer and did not want it to spoiled the last moment we had. and it was the mistake to run my mind away.. then until now it's stuck inside me. I called up with weakness of missing him. He answered with anger. She insulted and no one protected me. The picture of him flying down from the stair with the face seemingly out of blood still torture in my dream. I fallen from so high.. I smashed the grounded broken in pieces. I seek for answer that in my life I would not ever have. Maybe I am crazy like she accused. But I love him.. to sleep every night with question of why the man I love and used to say he loved me acts like hates me so much, no one understand. If this long writing ever reached you.. if you had time spending on these letters, I wish you would say something to release me from this sting that tights me down in pain. I did not ask why you choose her. I did not ask to have any love.. I just ask to understand and clear the air of anger. I am sorry that night in Paris. I did not come to fight for a man, I came because i was asked "are you scared?" I was a broken heart woman that just had 3 nights non stop making love and you were still every where in my body.. that I did not know how to cut of. I did not prepare of losing you like that. I did prepare of not talking at all or seeing each other any more. I did not prepare to hear you get angry when hearing that I still miss you and wanted to see your face. I accept all the mistake.. I am just like you, we were falling apart and a mistake made. Begging like a loser but I am willing to be anything you could call... because i know it's only way to sort everything and myself out. There is no reason of you to listen to what i ask, but i still hope and believe that inside you is not that dry. I have something to talk. I want to clear our air. Could we talk properly. I want to forget you getting angry. I want to forget about you. I suffer for way too long. As long as I don't hear from you, I want you to know it won't go away. It's not going to stop unless you help. would you talk or at least give me a reason why would not I deserve a word? what made you uncomfortable to speak to me, i'd love to know and will understand. But silence goes to nowhere and stop nothing.
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Anglina Fonne
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