Time never learnt
Start again... the darkness circle.
Come across this page and i really have to write something down. read what i wrote last year made me sick. i felt like i wanted to vomit. it is exactly the same mistake what i have just done. a year later nothing change, i am still a pathetic woman with full of drama and juicy story to cry out.
The story i was mumbling up here last year it is exactly what just has happened right now.
how i gonna ease my emotion out when its the same shit story that shifted from one to another.
something need to be changed!
you cant listen to the same love song. you cant love anyone the way you have loved for the whole life.
my 30th birthday.. it proves to me that all of those time, i didn't grow up to anywhere. same place, same pain.
what we gonna do now..
let me write it down at least i am here. for the next year for the next FALL.. maybe... see from now on what going to change.
last year with Fabien, you wrote the whole tear out. how much that you missed him. how that he ignored you. how you were frustrated and wanted to pull the ball in your court. But you failed... in all kind of aspect. you ended up begging him to forgive how you were which you should not have. you let down your value just because you thought one day it would be your day to prove to him that you were someone different and he would have regret what had done. ... then what???? then now here... same story with different man, but the pain lasted waaaaay longer than it was with fabien..
then now here where we are...
let tell the story...
the day you broke up with Fabien, it was on the way back Paris Doha.. you met him..
talked, got along, laughed ... wow interesting! i just broke up last night and i didn't look for any kind of relationship! he was perfect...
a year later... ended up at the same place. even it was much more deep in soul ad complicated story being., but the nature is still the same.. he is leaving me. you begged to come this far to Amsterdam. You were thinking it might work. to be closed might call him back. to be able to speak our mind out in front of each other it might fix something.
yes, that what you thought! and what you thought there must be something wrong with it! what you thought what you think always and always leeds you to some place wrong!
what actually happened... he cam to say goodbye. we didn't talk about anything other than listened to him how that he wanted to go. how that he loved her and chose to live with her. his decision made before he came. he is leaving and he wanted to me not disturb what he chose. means lets love on with each other life, don't wait... he wont look for me.
much more harder than last year right.
but this what ended.. i cried and asked him to stay.
i cried asked him to at least spend 3 nights which was planned.
no i didn't think it was going to change anything after i heard him cried out the truth like that. but it was too painful to accept that i was going to be left out on the street after the first night spent with the man i loved and believing all the time that he loved me too.
believing that he still had me big part of his heart and he didn't know yet how to choose as he was crying out like that last time we talked.
i didn't know what i was doing any more. 3 days walking in hands. 3 days walk and walk and walk.. to where i didn't know. i didn't care about which street we were taking, which food we were having. my mind was blank. and when people said they were lost... i couldn't feel it more how it is like than this.
i was not at all there.... i looked around my head flown to somewhere i didn't know. saw people on the street. the same street we walked back and forth but still i didn't remember i had been there.
The town was so romantic. the little canal in ever corner we turn. chill out breeze at night with the soft amber light came from the restaurant the bars, music lullaby the whole town at night. yet some people screaming from the top of building telling us how high it was up there. we stopped we kissed we didn't talk..
we came home we made love and it was still perfect...
I dont want to ask any more how could that be. i don't and won't find the answer.
how could have someone who didn't love you anymore made love as if his soul still in yours. how was that hand holding yours still felt so warm, how was those eyes still said a lot of things to you and his kisses still getting in deepest place in you and take everything out... you cried in your heart how much you love him. it didn't hurt... it was great it was fulfill and its still natural. if this was the one side imagination.. i could never find out how is this possible...
here what ends, we took the plane back together in paris.
i cried typically begged told him i would wait. i didn't wanna go on anymore about how pathetic i was that morning. it was sad to see myself like that. actually it was more sad to be that person that to be dumped by him.
came home and everything recalled.
i have made the same mistake last year.. i repeated it again. i didn't wanna let go when it should now that i spoiled myself.
i let myself down and he wouldn't look back.
i cried and i begged that much. even myself i would not stay with someone like that.
but its too heart to be honest.
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