What the heck is going on with me? I don't know if I have too much or too less time to deal with my life. I guess, I am confusing myself and don't feel very good right now. I don't know why the heck I feel that someone else's life (but mine) seems to have something ... I mean SOMETHING.
It is like looking at someone else's vase. How come there is always carnation, daisy, lily, rose, or tulip. Well you know what I am saying. I don't have to name all of these flowers. When I look at my vase, it is empty. Isn't it? I'm not so sure. Though I some time see things, like water, in it. That is my vase and it is a damn good vase. It feels alright that my vase is filled with water ... only water. It is clear and some time nice to look at. I don't have to change the flower everyday. I don't have to clean it everyday ... I really don't like cleaning things anyway. But isn't a vase meant to be with flower? Doesn't it matter if the flower is beautiful? Doesn't it matter if the flower will cause me money? Doesn't it matter if the flower will make me clean the vase more often?
When think of life. There are so many things out there waiting for me to experience. Like having a puppy, a cat, a hamster, or even the disgusting ones like, an iguana, a lizard, and a frog ... just to name a few. Or doing things like climbing the everest mountain or ice-fishing. (I want to ice-fish. I think I will go ice-fishing!) Or start to eat vegetarian foods. I cannot imagine myself not eating meat. That's must be torturing me.
I don't know if I am too conservative with life. I probably am. It's been ... I don't want to count it. It's been such a long time. I spend my everyday life almost the same. When I was back home. I ate the same foods ... pork kapraw with fried egg, soda, and ice cream. I went watch movies at the same old place in the same days over and over and over again. One day I thought I had enough of this. I had to change. I had got to do something different. So I took another journey, a road trip here. It had been exciting for quite sometime. And that was it? Now I start to live my life in the same old fashion again ... eating the same old things, drinking the same old things, doing the same old things over and over again.
It may be the way I had been raised and taught. (Hey, stop complaining. Start living!). I had been taught in a very conservative way. For example. When I was a kid, I was not allowed to eat instant noodle. I should not eat too much junk foods. Though I did all these things anyway. I should not buy things I cannot afford ... even a car or a house. If I cannot afford to pay in cash at once, don't bother. Though I don't really agree with all these things, I must have somewhat absorbed all these things quite a lot. It is probably all over my blood (which makes it impossible to remove). Though it was a good gesture, may be I do want to ride a roller coaster some time. It might be too late to do things when everything is ready because it is never ready and it will never be.
I wish life is as simple as optimization. If it is, I only need to deal with objective function(s) and constraints. These equations could be very nonlinear but there is always a way to solve. I don't need a global optimum because, in many situations, only local optimum will do. And there always are a number of local optima for me to enjoy. Then I seek for another local optima ... just have to follow the searching path. One day if I am lucky enough, I might find myself the global optimum.
Anyway, today I should go out to get some flowers and put them in the vase. I will do this at once!
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