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The deepest down in my life
I've never thought I would have this day. The day that I don't wanna talk to you. I hope this feeling would last just for today. I want to write it down to remind me that this is my first time that I totally lost my patience and compassion to your sorrow, you sadness which make me down.
I am not sure how it's happened. I picked up the phone and started talking nice, I mean trying to be patience, trying to encourage you, as usual. At one point, I asked where you were. You replied you would not tell me, you replied why should I know. I tried to be patient, and kept the conversation going, but I can't help myself questioning why you didn't answer that easy question. I start being in silent. I didn't say anything, you also did not say a word. Until the line was cut down, and I don't know if you hanged up or just the line simply cut. I don't know that because you did not call me back or even send sms to me. It seems like the last straw I would take. I waited for half an hour before I sent sms to you to inform "let's not talk TODAY, I can't take it". Unexpectedly, no reply. That's last straw was gone. I lost control, I sit at the couch emotionless. I was among the family, my parents, my niece, my nephew, my sister, my brother. I did not feel joy nor pain. They asked if I were tired or had sth in my mind. I said "nothing, I'm fine". BUT I almost cried...... at least, I cried inside.
My dad started nagging on my ignoring of everything. He started screaming, yelling and ordering me to do this do that. I felt numb... no... I felt nothing. I'm too down to feel anything.
Then, I escaped from socializing. I went showering. To avoid people and freely express my feeling, I sit under the shower and let the water pouring on me while I was weeping like crazy. yes, like crazy.... I laughed for no reason.....
I kepy myself locked in the room, in the dark room. Just only the noise from the fan that keep disturbing me. I was still weeping.... finally, my conscience was away.
I woke up by my cell. You finally sent sms back to me after the long darkest hours of my life. But now I'm afraid.... I'm scared. You say you wanna say good night and say how much I mean to you. I'm afriad and scared........ You left me in the sea of questions, doubts and unstabilities. I'm lost, honey. I'm lost. I just wish you would have called me. I wish you would have told me you are my guiding star and soul satellite when I lost. You should have done that because I'm too scare to call you. I want you to encourage me, and tell me don't give up on you.
I just don't know if you still in your blues and you can not do that or not because I can not bear it anymore. I start weeping again while I am writing this down. Honey, I need you to strengthen me up. Because I use all my strength to make you better, but it seems to be useless effort and waste. I did my best, but I guess my best was not good enough.
Honey, I'm scared..... I start answering the question I created from you sorrow. I questioned what the point to have us if you were in misery of missing me, and the worst is I can't do anything to assure you I can't do anything to ease your sorrow. Then, my answer started appearing.... there is no point........ I wanna scream THERE IS NO POINT HONEY...
I don't have any courage to call you back today, and I am to scared to do so. I don't know why I woke up and get myself online in the middle of the night wishing I might see you online. Just to disappoint myself, I assume.
Just wish you would call me now.... wish you would say you hold me tight and we will get through the night. Wish not came true....
My first and I hope my last time of deepest down in us............
| Create Date : 24 สิงหาคม 2550 |
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| Last Update : 24 สิงหาคม 2550 23:47:22 น. |
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