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Fabulous Comedians

You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy this humor.

Those fabulous Jewish Comedians...
You may remember the Old Jewish Catskill comins of Vaudeville days:
Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop,
Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman,
Buddy Hackett, Sid Ceasar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason,
Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce,
George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers,
Carl Reiner, Shelly Berman,Gene Wilder, George Jessel,
Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter,
Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rckles, Jack Benny
and so many others.

And There was not one single swear word in their comedy.
Here are a few examples:

* I just got backfrom a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our weding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked gret for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London; Ther is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen, saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "so Did my arthritis!"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "that's wat puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorced cost so much?
They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WON TON spelled backword is NOT NOW.

* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes wthe their suffering.

Q: Hve you seen the newest Jewsih-American-Princess horror movies?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What's a Jewish American Pricess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call?

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewwish husband."
The mother scowls and says "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish hunband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't boter, I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in the three days."
"Force yourself." she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off....

...............................................................

อ่านสนุก ๆ นะ บางอันก็ไม่เข้าใจเหมือนกัน (ภาษาอังกฤษไม่แข็งแรง) คนเอามาให้อ่าน ท่านอ่านไปหัวเราะไปชนิดที่เห็นแล้วต้องยื่นตะมูกแบน ๆ ของอิฉันไปอ่านมั่ง

Credit: Mrs. Sandoval (เอามาจากไหนก็จำไม่ได้แล้ว บอกว่าส่งต่อ ๆ กันมาให้อ่านขำ ๆ อีกที)
คุณยายอายุ 82 ที่มีอารมณ์ขันร้าย ๆ และพร้อมจะแบ่งปัน ท่านสัญญาว่า หากอายุครบ 85 เมื่อไหร่จะเลิกขับรถไปเวกัสฉลองวันเกิด และอนุญาตให้อิฉันขับไปให้แทน

คุณยายเป็นคนเดียวที่อาสานั่งรถกับอิฉัน ตอนที่เพิ่งหัดขับรถเพื่ออิฉันจะสอบใบขับขี่ให้ผ่าน (ไม่มีใครกล้าสักคนแม้แต่พี่ตัวเอง

) ด้วยประโยคที่ว่า
...dangerous make my heart beating better..

คุณยายเป็นครูคนแรกของอิฉัน ในวิชาสร้างเสริมประสบการณ์ชีวิตในอเมริกา พยายามสอนให้ใช้ชีวิตแบบฝรั่งปนไทย ด้วยแนวคิดว่า คนไทยมรรยาทดีอยู่แล้ว แต่ต้องรู้จักดูแลตัวเองแบบอเมริกัน

และที่อิฉันเพิ่งทราบ... คุณยายของคุณยาย....ท่านเป็น ยิว

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Create Date : 10 สิงหาคม 2553

Last Update : 10 สิงหาคม 2553 11:15:54 น.

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